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Life is what you make of it and I think I am finally learning how to make my life.

Even with the few days that Zach and I have been together I feel better and more grounded than I have in a very long time. He just completes me.

It is a nice feeling just to be alone with him. Like, I don't have to perform for him every waking moment.

I'm concerned how things will change when we 'come out' together.

The last time a love interest was gossiped about it became a feeding frenzy for Hermione's blood, not that she and I ever... I am also sure that like Hermione, Zach will handle it.

Speaking of Hermione and Ron even... I wonder how they will take the news or if they'll even care at all.
Wands wielded like weapons,
Skin burning, crawling with pain,
Sighs escape wide moist lips,
"Yes Mistress, may I have another?"
I'm moving on again, I've only been here for three weeks this time. Nowhere seems to hold any appeal any more, everything here looks the same. I really miss Ron and Hermione. I hope they're both well. I miss Fleur too, I really should have written to her again.

I can still feel home calling me back. The desire to go home is stronger than ever now, and maybe I've been running for long enough? Maybe I should write to Fleur about it, if I asked Hermione or Ron they would just tell me to come back as soon as I can, and I think I need a more objective opinion. Or maybe I just need a kick in the arse. I know they love me, why should I hide from them?

I haven't been this confused for so long. Running away was the easy part, I just had to remember not to look back.

May. 18th, 2005

I recieved an owl from Hermione. As I suspected, she wants me to come home. I expected her to yell at me, which I think she was ready to do, but instead she told me about a reconstruction effort for Hogwarts.

Hogwarts, the place that I considered home for many years, which was destroyed. And now it's being rebuilt. It's just another sign that's pointing me back to home.

I didn't get a letter from Ron. But, I'm not surprised or upset I'd bet anything that Hermione wrote her letter instantly and sent Hedwig back right away, not giving Ron the chance to send one of his own. Somethings never change.

I just sent a letter to my friend, Fleur, who I was pleasantly surprised to find out that she's in Hogmeade as well, working on Hogwarts. It's strange to think of her and I as rather good friends, I would have not ever thought it would happen, despite everthing we went through together as teens. But, it's nice, and I'm glad for it.

Don't think Ron and Hermione will understand, though I hope that they do.

May. 2nd, 2005

I've just sent Ron and Hermione each a letter. Basically the same letter; I almost wish I could get them back and be more original. I just don't know what to say, really. Can't tell them where I am, or they will just come to find me. That'll just make it too hard to resist going home any longer.

I don't even really know why I'm resisting anymore.

I hope they aren't too terribly upset by my letters. And I really hope they send one back to me.

I miss them.
I’m not good at this. Writing down my feelings. Fuck, just dealing with them isn’t something I want to do. Which might explain why I’m here sitting in some Muggle coffee shop half way around the world from…well, from where I just don’t need to be right now.

Still, I can’t help but wonder about that place. About how my friends are doing. I hope they are safe and well. I really should write to Ron. Or Hermione. Or even Remus. I still don’t know if that is a good idea, sending them lettings from some miscellaneous place in the world, and not telling them where. Hello, it’s Harry. I’m good fine alive and okay. Is it better I do that, or nothing at all?

I hate diaries. They make me think about Ginny. And thinking about Ginny makes me think about what happened to her. And that’s when my heart turns cold and I start to hate the world more, if that’s even possible. And it makes me remember why I can’t go back yet.

But…I suppose there is a reason why I’m doing this. Just needed to express my recent realizations to something, even if it's not someone.

I’ve found myself moving around more and more. I just can’t get settled in one place. I used to take up in a place and stay there for 6 months, maybe a year. Lately, the most I can handle is one, two months. Then I just pick up and leave.

Realized the other day that I just might be ready to go home.

But not quite yet. Soon.

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August 2006


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